How much do I actually have to play with my child?
If you’re a mom, you’re likely pressed for time and overloaded with to-do lists waiting to be completed. And isn’t it the worst feeling when you’re right in the middle of something, and your child comes and asks, “Will you play with me?”
It was stressful and heartbreaking to tell my kids I couldn’t play because I was working, making lunch, or even going to the bathroom (because you know they ask while you’re in there, too). I started to feel physically ill from the guilt of not being able to play with my kids when they asked. I would stay up late at night to do chores I didn’t do during the day so I could engage with my kids while they were awake. It was killing me trying to be a “good mom” by the culture’s standards because good moms play with their kids all day and have a perfect-looking house, I think. So I started researching. How much time do I have to play with each of my kids during the day so that I don’t screw them up for the future? So they don’t get their feelings hurt? So that everyone can say I’m a good mom when I feel like the witch lady in Tangled, ignoring my lonely daughter in her little tower all day? The answers I found were shocking and controversial.
- Some cultures don’t play with their kids at all. To them, it’s actually very weird that people get on the ground and play with their kids.
- Playing with your kids out of guilt actually puts stress on you, leads to resentment, and reduces the quality of play and interaction you have with your child. So that guilty play session you just had- totally counteracted what you were trying to accomplish- connect and bond with your child. You’ve actually created tension and, in turn, disconnection with them.
- If your play is regulated by you, full of rules and control that you put in place, then your child will likely have less imaginative, free play when independent, because they will be second-guessing if they’re doing things right. The play they engage in with you should be child-directed.
- Too much child-directed play can be harmful because it can lead your child to believe you’ll do whatever they want, blur boundaries, and inflate their sense of leadership and self, making it hard for them to play with peers later on.
It’s complicated! It seems like nothing is the correct answer, and everything ends up wrong. How could everything potentially be harmful? How could anything I do become problematic for my child now or in the future?
Because too much of anything can be harmful.
So here’s what I came to believe:
- Playing with my kids out of guilt is not allowed. I do it because I want to, or I have to have the right attitude when I don’t want to.
- My kids need more independent free play than anything. This helps their creativity and independence, and allows free thinking and problem-solving skills to be formed.
- Ancient cultures and some cultures today incorporate their children in day-to-day activities, and I should too. I need to invite my kids into chores and errands when possible. My 3-year-old boys may not be ready to hunt and gather, but they can definitely help me put groceries away and set the table. They love cracking eggs into a bowl, so I can let them help cook when it’s safe.
- When engaged in play time, I’m not in control. This is not the time to teach skills unless they want help. This is not the time to give my opinion or other options. I’m a playmate and not a play director. I can intervene if things get dangerous, but other than that, I’m one of the siblings in the game, and I’m not going to micromanage or get my way for now
Whatever you do, you’re doing great. As a mom, as a spouse, as an employee, and as a playmate, you’re doing it all, and you’re doing it well. Play on!
Here are some sources I found helpful:
- “Playing with Children: Should You, and If so, How?” by Peter Gray Ph.D. Psychology Today
- How Much Do You Really Have to Play With Your Kids? by Let Grow
- Hunt, Gather, Parent by Ducleef, Michaeleen. Avid Reader Press/ Simon & Schuster, 2021
- The Anthropology of Childhood: Cherubs, Chattel, Changelings by David F Lancy, PhD. Cambridge University Press, 2022