Book Review – “how to keep house while drowning” by KC Davis

Recently, someone recommended a book to me to help me feel less overwhelmed at home. I immediately looked at the library only to find that there were SIXTY, that’s right, 6-0 people in line just for the e-book. It was checked out with a long line of people waiting, and the hefty waitlist made me think that this was a book and, more importantly, a topic that was important to people and probably to parents like you and me. So, I got the book and am breaking it down for anyone interested or curious in what staying above water while drowning in your home looks like.

The book is really about functionality, long-term changes, and making your space work for you. You’re not working for your home/apartment/mansion/trailer/rented room; it should work for you. The book is mostly about perspective shifts and being kind or “gentle” with yourself.

If you hate what you do, if you hate yourself for not doing something, that’s energy you’re wasting, and it will not motivate you in the long run to care for yourself or your home. So, the author refers to chores as care tasks. You’re taking care of yourself by caring for your home because caring for it makes the space that works for you.

How do I make my home functional?

• Keep what matters to you and put the rest somewhere else (plastic tubs somewhere out of sight, in the trash, if you find it easy and life-giving, then give it away)
• Have a place for everything that even your kids can identify
• Make spaces work for you. Examples: I don’t like clutter, so I have spots in my cabinets for every small appliance except for the microwave. Or, I give all 3 of my kitchen counters a specific purpose- one counter for a drying rack, one counter for food prep, and one that only holds food that’s ready to be served or put away.
• Arrange your home so people can move freely and safely, including your wobbly toddler or your rough and tumble teens
• Make it so your kids can access what they need or use, and make the things they shouldn’t touch inaccessible (our 4-year-old and 3-year-olds have their own dirty dish tub and personal care station, and can fill their water bottles on their own, so I don’t have to).

Care tasks keep your house functional

Care tasks aren’t about having a spotless home at all times.

When you’re drowning in sick kids, baseball practice every day, work deadlines, trying to make your marriage a priority, and all the other things, mopping your floor is just not going to happen every day. What do you need to do today to make your space work for you? And what can you do today that will help take care of YOU tomorrow? Washing windows, not in my functional list. Doing dishes tonight so we can use forks for breakfast, and I’m not stressfully handwashing kids’ cups while 3 little kids scream for their morning cup of milk, then I’m tossing half a load of dishes in my dishwasher tonight. It’s doing the dishes, but it’s really helping me take care of myself and make things easier in the morning. It’s a functional task for a functional morning.

The emphasis on functional is because often, as parents, life gets to be too much. When depressed, struggling with post-partum blues or PPD, or when you’re going through a tough time, you’re drowning in life. Being kind to yourself, no matter how bad a job you think you’re doing as a parent, spouse, housekeeper, etc., doesn’t mean that YOU are bad. The book talks a lot about self-talk, rephrasing things like “I’m a failure” to “I’m struggling, and I’m having a hard time with_____.” Self-compassion, changing how you view yourself despite your “performance” in the home, is the first step in this process of making your home functional- YOU have to feel like you are worthy, like you belong, and like you are more important than the tasks that lie before you. Care tasks (Smith’s term for chores) are “morally neutral.” That pile of dirty dishes does not mean you are a bad person, and the laundry that’s growing mold because it’s been sitting in your washer for 4 days does not make you lazy or worthless. Your house has function, and you are worthy despite your lack or in spite of your abundance of function today.

I highly recommend this book. If you’re not into reading, she gave a TED Talk you can find on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqItMybTKTo, which is a good summary of the book, too. She also has a resources page on her website with tips, books, and products that help. Happy care tasking friends!